You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
