What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
