Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Oh god it's open bar.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
