I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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