when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Randomize
