Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
