I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize