I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
