Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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