My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize