She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
