Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
