my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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