I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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