do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
