Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize