Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
She even gives head with a lisp.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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