my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
