My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
