who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
