Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
