my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
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