Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
