There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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