So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
