i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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