I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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