after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Randomize
