First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
