I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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