they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
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