mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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