I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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