I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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