If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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