I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Randomize
