I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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