What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
