Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
