god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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