it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
