she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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