it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
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