I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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