I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
