I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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