Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
