he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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