how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
