we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
