Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
