see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
did you just send me my own nude
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize