he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
