Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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