I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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