John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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