A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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