When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
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