I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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