I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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