i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
