So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Rumble strips road head = magical
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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