Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
