I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
